


Paternal Musings

by philindas



Category: Madam Secretary
Genre: F/M, Pre-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2019-01-08 21:50:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12262755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philindas/pseuds/philindas
Summary: Elizabeth and Henry learn they're having a boy, and Henry's relationship with his own father has his questioning his paternal abilities.





	Paternal Musings

**Author's Note:**

> This...was not supposed to be so long, but I got into Henry's head and got stuck? Anyway, this is just a pre-series thing that came about when I thought about how Henry may have felt when they learned they were having a boy after having two girls, and his relationship with his father and how he would feel about a relationship with his own son. Let me know what you think!

“Girls, we’re going to be late!” Henry called up the stairs once more before finishing both Stevie and Alison’s lunches. “Honey, sit down.”

“I’m fine, Henry, stop worrying,” Elizabeth rests one hand on his arm, eyes still scanning the newspaper in front of her on the island, the other rubbing at the underside of her rounding middle. “Someone’s just awake and active this morning. They know they’re gonna be on camera in a little bit.”

Henry smiles at that, pressing a kiss to the side of Elizabeth’s face before he finished fixing breakfast for the girls- who Elizabeth could hear thundering down the stairs, Stevie chattering loudly.

“Morning Mommy!” Stevie beams, clambering up onto the stool and kissing Elizabeth’s cheek before she smiles at Henry. “Hi Daddy. Can I have toast?”

“Of course you can baby,” Henry said as he helped Alison into her seat, pressing a kiss to her head. “You want toast too, Noodle?”

Alison nodded, and Elizabeth brushed a thumb over her cheek and smiled as her youngest ducked her head bashfully.

“Stevie, you’ve got all your homework in your schoolbag?” Elizabeth asked, and her blonde daughter nodded, taking a sip from the orange juice in front of her.

“I have my homework, and the baby picture for our class board Daddy helped me pick out last night!” Stevie informed her, and Elizabeth smiled. “Are you and Daddy going to the doctor today?”

“We are, we get to find out if you two get a baby brother or sister today,” she tells them, and Alison claps her hands excitedly. “So we’ll drop you off at school, Stevie, and then you at daycare, Ali, before we go. Sound good?”

“Sounds good, Mommy,” Stevie nods in affirmation, and Elizabeth kisses the top of her head, breathing her in for a moment.

“Okay, toast is up,” Henry announces, placing a piece of toast slathered with peanut butter in front of each of his girls, earning him two happy smiles before they dug into their breakfast.

“So, which one do you girls want? Might as well tell us now, before we find out,” Elizabeth says, and Stevie thinks for a moment, tapping her chin.

“I think I’d like a brother. One of each would be nice,” she answers, and Elizabeth nods, not catching the look that crossed her husband’s face.

“What about you Noodle?” Elizabeth asked, and their youngest contemplated for a long few seconds before she spoke.

“Sister, please,” she requested, and both her parents chuckled as Henry ran his hand over her head.

“We’ll see what Mommy can do about that,” he tells her, and Alison beams, a smear of peanut butter across her mouth. “Alright, PB Mouth. Let’s get you cleaned up and into some shoes.”

“You too Stevie, we’ve got to get out the door soon,” Elizabeth adds, and Stevie nods, finishing her last bite of toast before sliding off the chair- Elizabeth cleaned up the crumbs and finished the last of her daughter’s orange juice, rubbing at her side again.

“Babe, you sure you’re okay?” Henry’s hand slid over hers, warm and solid, and she allowed herself to sink back into his taller frame for a moment- she was more tired this pregnancy than with Stevie or Ali, sorer and more nauseous. She was blissfully happy, but also glad they’d both decided this would _definitely_ be their last child this time. Elizabeth didn’t know if she could do this again.

“I’m fine. Just tired. This kid is very active, and very fond of kicking my left ribs,” she tells him, lifting onto her toes a little to kiss his cheek. “We’re over halfway there, babe.”

“And you’re a rock star,” Henry reminds her, kissing her cheek as two voices chanted that it was time to leave, drawing chuckles from both of them.

_

Henry’s fingers wrapped around Elizabeth’s in the waiting room; she absentmindedly flipped through a National Geographic magazine from the table beside her, clearly not really reading the pages, but needing the distraction it offered. The office was behind- she’d already called Conrad, and he’d given her the entire day; she had enough vacation time to take two years off, and it was a slow day at the office, according to him.

He himself had cancelled his only class for the day- he was sure his students were rejoicing, as it was a 100 level lecture and it gave many of them a free afternoon. It gave the two of them the day together- something that was rare, especially as their family continued to grow. Stevie and Alison took up most of their free time- and they were glad to give it up, but the weeks towards Baby McCord #3 kept coming quicker and quicker, and it felt like their free time was rapidly disappearing.

“McCord?” they look up at the nurse’s voice, and Henry helped Elizabeth to her feet, hand falling to her back as he followed behind her.

He watched as they took her weight and vitals, then settled her into a room- she relaxed into the chair, blowing out a breath.

“I can’t wait until I’m past the point in my life where I’m congratulated for a five pound weight gain,” she says dramatically, and Henry snorts, fingers catching hers and twining together. Her free hand spans the crest of her belly, thumb brushing the curve. “You better be worth it kiddo.”

“She doesn’t mean that. She knows you’re worth it,” Henry whispers, hand joining his wife’s- Elizabeth slid his hand marginally to the right, and he smiled at the kick he received to his palm. “Hey there, baby McCord.”

“You know, tonight we can start on giving Baby McCord a name,” she tells him, running a hand through his hair gently- Henry leaned into the touch, turning to press a fleeting kiss to the pad of her thumb.

“That we can,” he replies, stroking his fingers over where he could feel their baby moving.

Henry withdrew his hand at the knock on the door, and their doctor poked her head in.

“Hello McCord family!” she exclaimed, beaming as she shook first Elizabeth and then Henry’s hand and then settled herself on her stool, chart on the desk. “So? How are you feeling, Elizabeth?”

“Good. I’m tired, and sore, but no more morning sick, just the occasional bought of nausea in the afternoon,” Elizabeth answers as the doctor gets out her stethoscope, listening to her heart and lungs, having her sit forward to place it against her back. “They’re moving a lot, and I can tell they’re growing faster than the other two did.”

“Let’s measure, see where you compare,” her doctor grabs the tape measure, and has Elizabeth push her shirt up- she measures the curve of her belly, jotting down numbers before she thumbs back a few pages, scanning the paper. “You are a little bigger than with either of your previous pregnancies, especially this early on. You’re learning the baby’s sex today, correct?”

“Yes,” Elizabeth confirms, and the doctor nods.

“Well, let’s see if that has anything to do with it,” she says with a smile, and Elizabeth nods- she reaches for Henry’s hand, and he squeezes her fingers. He’s glad she doesn’t look at him- it gives him a chance to school his features with the doctor pulls the ultrasound machine into the room, and he stands arm behind Elizabeth’s head as the doctor switches off the light.

It’s a process they both know well- Elizabeth grips Henry’s fingers tightly as the doctor spreads the gel across her stomach, shivering at the temperature. There are a few long, agonizing moments before the doctor stopped the wand, and the fast, rushing noise of their baby’s heartbeat filled the small room. They both let out a breath of relief, and Henry’s head sank against Elizabeth’s as they listened.

“A good, strong heartbeat,” the doctor confirmed with a smile, beginning to move the wand some more, pointing her other hand to the screen. “Your baby is pretty stretched out- looks like they’ve got their arms stretched up over their head, see the fingers?”

“Explains my ribs,” Elizabeth joked, and Henry dropped a kiss to her hair.

“So, I’ve got a pretty good picture here- you guys are sure you want to know?” the doctor looks up, confirming one more time- Elizabeth tilts her head up, checking with Henry, when he nods, she looks back at the doctor, nodding, and she smiles. “Looks like you two are having a healthy boy this time. Congratulations, McCords.”

For a moment, the entire world stops. Henry has to remind himself to breath, and he misses something his wife says- he schools his features, allowing only his happiness to shine through as Elizabeth raises happy tear-filled eyes to his- he bends down, mouth curving into a grin as his wife lifts shaking hands to cup his cheek, kissing him.

The doctor prints off pictures, and Elizabeth books her next appointment for a few weeks in the future- Henry is on autopilot, mind on one simple word. _Boy._ A boy. They were having a boy.

Elizabeth is content to doze in the car, hands resting on her bump and cheek pressed to the seat of the car, and Henry is grateful for the quiet. His brain tried to process, but it felt too jumbled- too heavy. So he simply drove back to the house, looking over at a sleeping Elizabeth- she looked so peaceful, it continued to take his breath away.

“Babe, we’re home,” Henry woke her gently, and Elizabeth yawned, blue eyes hazy with sleep as she blinked them open.

“’M tired,” she mumbles, and Henry gives a small smile.

“Let’s get inside,” he murmurs, getting out of the car and rounding to Elizabeth’s side- he helped her out and letting her curl into his side as they headed into the house.

Getting her up the stairs was a challenge, but her back couldn’t handle the couch anymore- he got her settled on the bed and tugged off her shoes, the pulled the covers over her. She snuggled into the pillow, already back on the brink of sleep when she frowned, eyebrows crinkling as she opened one eye.

“Lay with me,” she patted the spot beside her, tugging at his sleeve loosely as her eye slip closed once more. Henry leaned forward, pressing his lips to her forehead.

“In a bit. I’m going for a walk first,” he murmurs, and Elizabeth mumbles incoherently as Henry tucks her in and watches her drift off before slipping out the door.

He considers taking one of the horses out, but figures the walk will help him clear his head- the weather was finally turning, October melding into November. The leaves had nearly all fallen off the trees, and he could almost taste the snowfall that would come within the next few weeks.

Henry couldn’t quite pinpoint why he felt so _different_ , knowing why they were having a boy this time.

It had just been…easier, with Stevie and Alison. There hadn’t been the kind of weight he feels on his shoulders at the thought of having a son; the pressure in his chest he can’t get to release.

He’s nearly made a loop around the property when it hits him, all at once, why he feels so differently- why he’s so god damn terrified of having a son. Why he’d never felt like this during Elizabeth’s pregnancies with Stevie or Alison.

Henry is _terrified_ of having a relationship with his son like he’d had with his own father.

He pauses in his tracks, and the cold of the afternoon finally seems to seep through his light jacket to his skin, and he shivers. Henry knew his father loved him, in his own way- Patrick McCord was rough around the edges and harsh, but he did love his children. But Henry didn’t want his son to ever doubt that he loved him- didn’t want to have the combative, hostile relationship Henry had with Patrick.

He’d never worried about that with Stevie, or Alison. He’d never worried their relationship would reach that point- never been concerned he could ever be like his father.

But having a son… _terrified_ him.

He’d never truly talked to Elizabeth about how much the thought of being his father scared him- they’d learned they were having girls, and the fear had never grown into anything but a vaguely brief flicker. He’d brushed it aside, and the moment both their daughters had entered the world, the fear had extinguished immediately.

Belatedly, he realizes he’s on the cusp of an anxiety attack; he’s had them on and off since he’d left the Marines, though he’d long since learned to deal with them, and they’d dissipated significantly in the years since he’d left active duty. The tingling in his fingertips causes him to close his eyes, and he swallows hard, heart jumping in his throat, and he tries to focus on his breathing. He listens to the birdsong in the trees above him, using the uneven rhythm to steady himself- sweat trickles down his spine, and Henry swallows hard as he finally breathes normally.

He’s suddenly exhausted- all he wants is to curl up with his wife, and _sleep_.

He trudges back up to the house, hanging his jacket up and toeing out of his boots- he’s relieved to find Elizabeth still sound asleep, and he strips down to his boxers before climbing in beside her. She burrows into him, already sleep warm, and Henry finds himself tipping headfirst into sleep almost instantly at the feel of her skin against his.

His dreams are heavy and muddled, and he feels like he’s being pulled from underwater when he wakes- he doesn’t realize he’s gasping for air until he feels soft hands on his chest, Elizabeth’s voice telling him to breathe.

“Hey,” she whispers when his eyes finally open, finding her looking at him softly as her palm gently stroked his chest while he took a deep breath, calming his racing heart. “You haven’t had a nightmare like that in a while.”

Henry just nods, swallowing as he shifts, back pressing to the headboard as he sat up and scrubbed a hand down his face. Elizabeth moved with him, looking at him in concern.

“Talk to me, Henry,” she said softly, and Henry met her gaze; finding nothing but genuine concern and love there, he knew he could be honest about what was eating away at him.

“I didn’t realize I wasn’t ready to hear we were having a boy,” he admits, unable to hold her gaze as he lets the admission out. “It made me realize how terrified I am of becoming my father.”

“Oh, Henry…” Elizabeth started, using one hand to lift his chin up until he would look at her. “Honey, you are not your father. You couldn’t be.”

“I just…I feel differently this time, Elizabeth,” he confesses in a soft voice, and her hand touches his jaw lightly. “It felt differently with the girls. With a boy, I just…I’m worried. I don’t want to become my father. I don’t want to have a relationship with our son that turns into the one I have with my father.”

“That’s exactly why you won’t,” Elizabeth replies, and Henry finally lifts his gaze to meet hers, finding her blue eyes soft and warm as they look at him. She takes one of his hands and guides it to rest of the curve of her stomach, covering it with her own hand. “You already love our son so much, Henry, you’re terrified of ruining your future relationship with him.”

Henry can’t help but give a damp chuckle at that, and Elizabeth beams at him.

“You are the most wonderful father in the entire world, Henry McCord,” Elizabeth continues, face growing serious. “You are to our daughters, and you will be to our son. Nothing is different- I promise. Our son is going to love you so much, and think you’re the best dad on the planet. We already have two kids who think so. I think it’s safe to say we’ll have three for three.”

Henry looks at her for a long moment, taking his free hand to cup her cheek, thumb brushing along soft skin and delighting in the shiver she gave in response.

“You are the most amazing woman in the entire world. You know that?” Elizabeth flushes at his words, squeezing his fingers- they both looked down at the kick against their palms, and her lips curved into a knowing smirk.

“Your son seems to agree. Already on your mom’s side. Good boy,” she says, pressing lightly into the pressure of the kick, laughing at the harder kick she got in response. “Oh, you’re a fighter, aren’t you? You got that from your dad.”

“I can’t take credit for all of that gene,” Henry teases, and Elizabeth mock-gasps before she leans forward, drawing him into a kiss that he easily sank into, leaning his forehead against hers. “I love you.”

“Rightfully so,” Elizabeth replies, but there’s amusement in her voice, and she presses her lips to his once more, softer and sweeter than before. “I love you so much, Henry. You are the best parenting partner I could ever ask for- there is no one else I would ever want to do this with. Please lean on me when you have these doubts- you know how scared I was when we had Stevie. We can do anything, as long as we do it together. Okay?”

“You’re right, babe. I know you’re right,” Henry concedes, squeezing her shoulder, kissing her temple. “And I will. I swear.”

“Good. Now, we’ve spent most of our free day napping, but I think we have a small chunk before we have to pick Stevie up…” Elizabeth trailed off, and Henry smirked, bending a little to kiss her neck.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“If you’re thinking ice cream on the couch with an R-rated movie we don’t have to turn the volume down on, then yes absolutely,” Elizabeth replied, and Henry laughed, nodding. Elizabeth smiled, pecking his mouth once more before sliding from bed, padding into the bathroom. “Pick something with a lot of language and a lot of sex, please!”

Henry chuckled as he pulled on a shirt, heading for the stairs and already thinking through the list of VHS tapes they owned that they’d locked away as Stevie had gotten older. As he reaches the ground floor, he realizes the pressing weight of terror he’d felt earlier is only a niggling thought at the back of his mind. It would always be there, different than with Stevie or Alison- but Elizabeth’s voice was louder, and stronger, pushing it aside.

And finally, he could allow the excitement that had been overshadowed by anxiety shine, and when his wife joined him on the couch, all he could think about was the son they’d be bringing home in four months’ time.


End file.
